I Want a Job. No, Not That One. THAT One.

I had a job interview today. I had a different job interview a few days ago to help run a pre-school program associated with a pretty cool charter school in Red Hook. I'd told myself I didn't want the job because the hours are long and I'm still in school, not to mention Red Hook is difficult to get to from this side of Prospect Park without a car. Then I got an email from them saying they have chosen to "continue with other candidates" and my heart sank. Why not me? What did I do wrong? What did I say? What didn't I say? But I think I know the answer: I wasn't passionate about the position. It's not quite what I want to do but I pursued the interview because I need a job, money. The stress my poverty brings me on a daily basis verges on the brink of an anxiety disorder and seriously affects my sleep. I hate money, how necessary it is. But, that's the world.

Anyway, the job I interviewed for today is much the same. A job I'm not all that interested in but it'll pay the bills while I finish school. The types of jobs I really want I can't get because my background is all wrong for them. Without my graduate degree complete I have little background in policy - the transition to this field is kicking my ass but I won't give up. Not without a serious fight. In fact, I suppose I should be anticipating tears and bloody knuckles. I knew this wouldn't be easy and it isn't. It's fucking hard. But I'm strong, resilient. I'll keep chugging and my wonderful friends and family will always be there to help me along. I'm actually quite blessed and have learned how to truly appreciate good things when they do come. I may have written most of that last part to cheer myself up but I also mostly believe it.

I hope they offer me the job. And I hope they don't. I wonder if I should wait one more month for all those policy positions floating around out there with my resume in the mix to meet their deadline, wait for someone to send me an email asking when I'm available for a phone interview. Then an in-person interview. Then a "Congratulations, we like you best!" Wouldn't that be lovely?

I need to edit my resume. Make it snappier. Flashier. Impressiver.

I then got free coffee at a cafe where a friend of mine is a barista. She's almost always happy. It's nice. She flirts with cute men who buy her cappuccinos and experiments with coffee art. Why can't I be that care-free? Care-free...what the hell is that?!?! I know it when I see it though I'm not sure I've ever experienced it. I suppose caring is good, worrying is bad. I need to work on that. I don't worry, I care. Yes. Sure.

Then a subway ride with a good book. Walk the dog. Eat. Debate whether or not I should go for a run before it gets dark and then remember that I haven't bought a new pair of tennis shoes yet. Now the goal is: a workout video (Jillian Michaels is such a bitch), a good dinner using the salmon I bought (frozen), then applying for jobs while I watch a movie in the background. Perfect for a foggy Wednesday afternoon.

I still love this city.

B Train

I've been back for just a few days and find it shocking that everything looks and feels the same. It's like I never left. Which is nice though underwhelming and I still worry about all the same shit I did last time I was here like money and employment and school and boys. What a cliche.

I wake up late because I still haven't transitioned from California time and 10:30am feels like 7:30am which means that I am not at all lazy but quite the early riser considering I have no big plans for the day. I take a shower and walk the dog. It's beautiful and sunny and all I wear is the light, purple coat I bought at Target on the 50%-off rack - something I brag about every time someone mentions my coat in casual conversation. I wonder what it would be like if someone mentioned something about my coat in un-casual conversation. Probably something like, "Shit! Your coat is on fire!" Back inside, my hair is mostly dry so I curl it, something I don't do often so I feel pretty damn fancy.

My roommate suggests going to Union Square before we head over to the Center for Architecture for a talk about Urban Planning and Resilience. We take an unfamiliar subway. The B. The B existed in Harlem but I never took it because it was slow and went to parts of Manhattan I wasn't interested in. Apparently, it goes all the way to Brooklyn and is quite speedy on this side of the East river. I read from my Kindle and allow the familiar sway to guide me towards The Borough.

Union Square is just as crazy and weird as ever. I'm fairly certain the beat of those Congo drums doesn't change and if it ever stopped the earth would cease spinning. I don't know the scientific details of what would happen if the earth stopped spinning but I'm pretty sure we all die so thank God for those beanie-wearing hippies and their desire to make noise in public. We head to Bank of America so the roomie can take care of a few things because being an adult is stupid and then we decide to walk up Fifth Ave. and look at clothes we can't afford.

We find the sale section of a store that is so stupidly over-priced that I want to hate it but I don't. Instead I love it and hope to make irresponsible purchases there one day. Even the sale section is far out of our financial reach but we each pick a pretty occasion dress (we have no occasions) and try them on. Beautiful. Then we hand them back to the very pretty and very snooty lady in the dressing room and walk back out to the streets, Empire State building in the background. I love this city.

We walk down, past Washington Square park - the Christmas tree is still up and lit under the arch - and find a cute cafe just a few doors down from the Center for Architecture. Two black coffees from a bearded barista and we're ready for an academic talk about Urban Design. It's interesting and engaging and the immensity of urban planning challenges overwhelm and excite us all. Time for free wine.

Our friend from the graduate program we all love and hate came and brought yet another friend, new to our program and new to the both of us. He is funny, intelligent, and nice which is a rarity I did not ignore. We went for drinks at a cute Brazilian bar and restaurant nearby. Two Dos Equis. Good conversation (weather, sports, weather, our interests, weather) and lots of laughs made for a great night.

B train and bed.